more quick bullets

funny stuff:

- apparently we were never married.
yes folks. tis true. about a month ago i went to get my name changed (officially) to sheppard. we took all of the necessary documents and filled out all of the necessary forms; however, when we showed them to the man behind the glass, he informed us that our marriage license indicated that we wouldn't be married until April 11th, 2010. wahoo for living in sin for six months. ha. so we immediately called the clerks office in utah and got it all straightened out... but it was humorous to us...

- grandma gave away about $40 worth of our food.
we moved out of grandmas house into our own apartment (finally. ha and it is GORGEOUS!!) and not even a week after we left, she had given away food that we had left behind (TEN POUNDS OF HAMBURGER... seriously now.. that stuffs expensive. ha. hot dogs, hot dog buns, and spaghetti sauce) to one of her other grandchildren. she insisted that they had left it, that it wasn't hers and it had to be theirs. Luckily we got it back... gotta love grandma!! :)

- Kenedi (the 3yr old i nanny for) says aggravating!
haha. it was one of her random schpeels where she was just going off and talking about absolutely nothing of importance and she went off about how in regular shoes she's a size 4 but in boots shes a size 5 and it is just so aggravating!!! hahahah not only was it absolutely adorable that she used the word but that she used it correctly in a sentence!! a few days later she did the same thing.. she was trying to button her pants and just couldn't do it and was about to start crying and just yelled "ahhhhh they are making me so aggravated!!" oh gotta love kids :)

so hope at least one of em made you smile in some way.

peace, love and cookiedough.

update

so much business.

we are moving into a new apartment on the 16th. it'll be pretty. ill post pictures later.

halloween was fun.

we've been spending tons of time with tk's family.

rachel (tk's sister) came out for a visit :)

ummm. we went grocery shopping the other day.

i fail at blogging.

peace, love, and cookiedough.

So busy!!

Life has been so hectic lately! Because of this, I haven't blogged in a while, and for that, I am sorry!!

But here's a quick run through of new happenings!

-- I GOT A NANNY JOB!! I am nannying for two precious little girls. Kelsie just turned one last month and Kenedi will be four in December! I spent a few days last week playing with the girls and getting to know the parents and this week was my first official nannying. I watch them from 8-5 Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and love it SOOOOO much! However, working at the store and nannying is going to be quite tiring. Oh well, I think it's worth it!!

-- TK has been gone all week :( As many of you already know, TK has been working with his Dad to get into the Real Estate business. So, this week, they have gone off to Cleavland, Ohio to attend a seminar. As much as I love that my husband is getting out there and "getting his hands dirty," I miss him more than I could ever say! But I am more than STOKED for his return tomorrow afternoon as well as our mystery date he has planned. All I know is that I'm supposed to get more dressed up than church dress as well as bring a swimming suit along.. although i wonder if the suit is just to throw off any suspicions.

-- TK has created another website (this one for himself). In addition to his tksheppard.com he also now has differentgraphics.com which is focused more on his graphic design. You should check them both out--the differentgraphics is actually quite entertaining (he writes articles on it).

-- I made coffee cake the other day.... yeahhhh.. the words "epic fail" don't even BEGIN to explain it. haha. I cooked it at the wrong temp so it never fully rose and so it was all kinds of dough-ey. no bueno.

Short and Sweet

I know its very short but i've been SOOO busy lately and just wanted to give you a little something to smile about.

ok. so lips are chapped, so i decide i need to find lip balm. search all over and have no luck until i open my grandma's cabinet in the bathroom and viola, a lip balm deal ((not the stick but you girls prob know what i mean)) anywho. put it on and it feels good however it smells like old woman. i look at the bottom, its some sort of waxy perfume that you put on yourself. EWWW EWWW EWWW! and now it won't fully come off.

sad bears.

Humility, thought, and prayer.

today was a wonderful stake conference. I do not wish to share what I learned or exactly what I felt, but I do wish to share my joy that I felt today and the love that I have for my Heavenly Father as well as the gratitude I have for His love for me. I love this feeling, I love the Father, I love the Gospel, and I love all that is my life.

Happy Sunday everyone!
Peace, Love, && CookieDough

a long.. but wonderful day.

I woke this morning with a lengthy "to-do" list. After checking on grandma and making breakfast, we needed to clean the kitchen, mop/sweep, do the bathroom, and wash/change her sheets for her. After we knew grandma was set for the day, it was time for TK and I to head out. First stop = DMV inspections. Grandma's car was a couple months over-due for a check-up.. or so we were told. It turns out, someone had already tried to surprise her by renewing her registration. However, the surprise had gone un-noticed until we got there and the guy told us that it still had until next year. So we knocked that out fast :) and just proceeded to Mom and Dad's.

Upon arrival, we all had lunch, TK and Dad had their meeting, and TK retreated to his office (where he has been most all of the day). He has a deadline and is rather stressed about it. I do believe an all-night-er is inevitable... But I digress.

After lunch, it was time to begin on the dinner planning. The receipe needed to be located (aka. a quick phone call to the bestest big sister "Susie-Homemaker") and the grocery shopping needed to be done. After hanging up with Shauna, I got Mom's shopping list as well as a package that was in need of delivery and I was off.

1st. UPS store. Check.
2nd. Wally world. Check.
3rd. Home to prepare.... well.. check.. ish?

I returned home and put away the groceries.. but then ran up to interrupt my hard-at-work hubby for a bit until Dad needed his ears again. So THEN i began my dinner preparations.

Now this was my first run with homemade pizza, but I got a good response. I made some with just cheese (for Bekah and Janel), some "Hawaiian" style (for Dad and TK) and some with pepperoni, black olives, and peppers (for Mom and I). Janel and I concurred that I need to work on the crust ((it wasn't as crispy as we would've liked.. however the cheese was perfectly browned.. so idk.. kinda win some loose some with that one)) and maybe be a little more generous with the sauce.. but all in all.. a good first try.

Well. After cleaning up dinner, ((if you know me at ALL you know..)) I, along with the girls, needed something sweet. But there was only enough ice-cream in the freezer for one.. and I ALWAYS eat for two.. so that just wouldn't do.. especially when my sisters expected me to (insert mocking tone)"SHAAAARRRRE ..." So. what shall we do?? As Janel, Rebekah, and I contemplated, the conversation went as follows....

ME: Hmm.. we.. couldddd.. GET FROSTY'S!!
BEKAH: Huh, (mocking-ish) where could we go to get some dessert.. at night.. hmmm..
ME: (not catching on and very focused on my frosty) WENDY'S!!
BEKAH: oooorrrr (trying to help my mind along..) we could go to FOOD LION...??

((**Quick Background Lesson**))
Bekah is my 13 year old sister in law. Janel is my 15 year old sister in law who just so happened to go to the hair dresser today to get a WHOLE NEW DO ((she is a curly curly headed girl and she had it all straightened with a new cut and bangs and was looking GOOD!!! And food lion is a grocery store out here. And oh yeah, Janel's crush just HAPPENS to work there.
((**BUT AGAIN, I DIGRESS**))

As all of this began to settle in my mind.. i began running upstairs to get the keys from TK. I've been meaning to wander over the the Food Lion to check out the boy that my husband is bound to be chasing around with a baseball bat soon enough, and Janel was all dolled up.. and all of this got me quite excited for the scheme that Bekah had so wonderfully concocted.

In all of the excitement, Dad's curiosity was triggered and the conversation proceeded as follows.
DAD: "What ARE you doing??"
ME: I just realized something very important that I forgot to get at the sotre earlier so I've gotta go and I'm gunna take the girls with me."
DAD: "For the pizza?? Cuz it's a little late, I think."
ME: "Uhhhh. SURE! Yeah!
DAD: "Was it something for Rebekah's cupcakes?"
ME: "Yeah!! That's it!-- Very important. Can't wait."
DAD: (in complete confusion, he proceeds to follow me into the next room)
((**Bekah laughs**))
DAD: "What are you doing?!?!?!" ((now quite serious and wanting a straight answer))
ME: (awkward giggle, nervous even.) We want dessert and there's no ice cream so we're going to go check out Janel's little boyfriend at Food Lion"
DAD: ((angry, irritated, NOT amused face))
ME: "And that was SOOOOO not the right way to convince YOU!"

hahaha. yeahh. so after explaining further, and asking politely, it was MOM who gave the approval. Dad just said, "remember, you are the one condoning this little boys untimely death. Him being fertilizer for our next garden is going to be on YOUR hands.".. whatever THAT means... :) I just smiled and ran out the front door with the girls and a "Love you!! Be back soon!!"

SO we were off to the store! I really enjoy spending time with the girls. It's nice to have little sisters :) They're both amazing and tons of fun. At the store we got ice cream sundae fixings.. which included, but were not limited to, a new "magic shell" topping that was CUPCAKE FLAVOR!!!! It was actually quite good in the right amount.. too much though, and I would probably regret it. Oh, and the boy's jaw practically fell the the floor when he saw Janel. Totally made it all worth while. Ha.

So we got home. Ate our sundaes. Bekah and Janel made a song up about me that had something to do with making chocolate shakes with spit and me looking like a ho. Such sweethearts, right?? Ha. Little sisters are silly. Oh. p.s. the song was to the tune of "what child is this." What blasphemous little twits.

After dessert, Bekah still needed to make her cupcakes --4 dozen of them-- for her class on Wednesday. They needed to be baked so that she could decorate them tomorrow and take them in the next day. So I told her we could work on them. We began to work while Janel spectated. Well, at least until her mexican friend called and she had to pretend she was too cool/popular for her sisters' shenanigans. Bekah and I finished most of the cupcakes before she had to head up for bed and I proceeded to finish the feat and pack them up. Then I had to re-clean the kitchen, unload/reload the dishwasher and now I am patiently awaiting my husband's immersion from his office indicating that he has finished for the day. So what do I do? Pass the time by blogging of course. Yay for all of you!! Right?? ha.

Peace. Love. && (of course) Cookiedough.

i just LOVE my brother

Last night was a wonderful night. It began after church when we went over to TK's Mom and Dad's to have dinner with the family. After dinner, we played games all evening. We had so much fun!! We were all joking and just loving being together. When TK and I went to leave, we got into the car and I just started thinking about family.

I explained to him that I loved him and was especially grateful to him for giving me a family experience unlike one in which I had had in a while. One, because I haven't been with my side of the family for over a month, but two, because it's been a while since I have been around someone I considered to be a wonderful Mom, not only to others, but to me, and little sisters..

I began to cry. I continued, "But as much as I love it, it kills me. I miss them so much." He questioned, "your family in Utah? or your mom and sisters?" I just said, "yes." I missed them ALL, very much. Not even another word was said before my phone rang. I opened my purse, picked it up, and read "Derek Watterson is calling". "BROTHERRR!!!" I said as I answered the phone. He laughed. But I don't think he fully understood my excitement.

I don't know why my brother called me last night. My brother NEVER calls me. I think he's called twice before, and both times it was for something specific and lasted no longer than 10 minutes. Even when I might call him to say hi, we only speak for 10-15 minutes. But last night, he called, and we spoke for an hour. It meant so much to me. I love him so much and miss him like crazy.

I'm so grateful, that for whatever reason, he felt as though he should pick up the phone just then and call me. I needed to hear my brother's voice. I needed to have that connection, if just telephonic-ally. I needed his love. Thank you brother, I love you so much!!

And I miss ALL ((derek, janalee, quinton, shauna, josh, alli, brynlee, dad, karen, ect. ect. ect.)) of you dearly!! Know that I love you and that I can only hope that I will see you soon!!

Peace. Love. && Cookiedough.

.a.u.t.u.m.n. = prettiness.

Welcome, Fall! Ahhh. I have been waiting for you. Fall brings forth so many wonderful things...

a. amazing views such as this one of North Carolina.. i love it when trees turn these colors but never have I seen such an abundance of them!! Its breathtaking.

b. pumpkin patches and halloween. corn mazes and hay rack rides.

c. (college) football has returned :) I'm hoping to see good things!! i've got the dates on the calendar and my fingers crossed for a good season -- GO 'SKERSS!!

d. the buggers go away. or, are frozen, or something. either way--no more skeeter bites for me! yesss. ((skin so soft didn't even help me. how sad is that.)

e. the wardrobe. hoodies. jackets. jeans. boots. scarves. lovelovelove it all.

f. foods. pumpkin pie!! caramel apples. kettle corn. sugar cookies. and candy.. lots of candy! store bought and even hand made!!

i shall be happy for the next few months. i will enjoy a new season in a new state and treasure the experience!!

Husskkkerrr Naatioonnn

Today, my Huskers will play Florida Atlantic at home in Memorial Stadium. And all of my friends will be there ((and hopefully texting me all the updates)) so that I can at least keep track of the score since I will not be paying for my viewing. And I will have to go 2 weeks until they play Virginia Tech and air it on ABC. (hopefully I won't have to work!) But my best of luck goes out to the Corn Huskers. I hope they have a good season. GO 'SKERS!!

So. Work has been going well! Retail is.. well.. retail. but a job is STILL a job!! I got a check from Friday's today along with my tips that came after I left. It was accompanied by a beautiful card from my manager. the front had a Chihuahua decked out in a sombrero with a speaking bubble that read "adios!". and then you open it to read the caption- "that's spanis for: SURE, GO AHEAD AND LEAVE YOUR FRIENDS, THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU, FINE, JUST TAKE OFF!!" yess. my manager is so nice. lol. but there was a really sweet letter attached as well. Hopefully we'll find just as good people out here.

Welp. thats all i got for now.. OH!! except signing off reminded me! i made cookies today.. very yummy. mom says i can't make cookies anymore. not unless she's out of town. ha.

peace, love, and cookie dough.

JillyShepp gots a job!!!

WAHHOOOOO. hahaha. ok. pardon my excitement, BUT, can you really blame me?!

I got a job. its nothing too special. but I will now be working in retail. I just got hired at Papaya and will be starting orientation tomorrow morning!

http://www.papayaclothing.com/shop/index.php

AAAANNNNNDDDD. Our landlords have decided to give us back our deposit!!! ((if I haven't already told you, for a while they were trying to keep it from us as well as get us to pay for a month in which we weren't there. yeah. not cool)) but after many emails and a few threats, they at least decided to give us our deposit back, so that will pay some bills that we're a bit overdue on and some debts to our parents who helped when our car died and we didn't have enough gas money. haha. oops.

but yeah. and tk has an interview tomorrow and things are looking good right now .

peace, love, and cookie dough

p.s. once again. if you want to be able to continue reading my blog, you'll have to give me your email address by the end of the week because then i'll set it to private. thanks for reading!

If dreams came true.

So a while back, TK and I went to IKEA on a date. ((don't mock it, its a full day of great fun!! at least for me anyway)) so yeah. we found this one really cool layout for a salon I swear, if I ever get the money to go to hair school and can make a salon like in my basement or somethin --this is exactly what I'm going to make it look like!! Personally, I think its awesome.

It has everything you need, right there, in just that space. It was perfectly spaced, not crowded, and still very classy.

Welp. It may be years and years off but that's ok. a girl can dream. haha

ok so back to reality!! We're grillin' tonight. mmmm. i am so excited! its the first weekend since the girls went back to school so once again, we are just vegging out with them and enjoying life. We'll wait for monday to allow ourselves to get back to being really freaked out about jobs. TK went out today with Dad to a couple negotiation meetings and Dad's been helping him get a foot into the real estate biz. He's got a lot to learn and I am actually excited to pick it up with him (here and there that is). It'll be cool to have something like that to discuss and such, you know, until i can get him into that sign language class with me.

Welp. till next time,
peace, love, and cookie dough.

p.s. it has come to my attention that some random, unwelcome, people have been reading my blog. I am, therefore, going to be changing my blog to private, so if you want to continue reading it, please make it manifest so that i can include you on the list of those who are allowed. Otherwise, soon you will have no choice but to leave my blog alone, thank you much!

Focus on that which is Important

Alright. I know that it is bad for me to focus on such things; therefore, I wish to vent about them, get them out of my system, and try to move on.

How can you love someone you hate?
I need to find this answer.
I hate someone. I hate them for who they are, for what they've done, and that they won't go away. I hate who they interact with and I hate that those people try to interact with me still. I hate that this person pretends that they are a perfect, "law-abiding citizen". I hate that this person doesn't see why I can hate them and I hate that no time or distance has dissolved my hate. I hate that this person is vulgar and vindictive. But most of all, I hate that I hate this person.
Not that they don't deserve it. Gah. There I go again. It's not my place to judge this person. But how on earth is it their call to judge others? flkajsdl;fasdhga[h
We are commanded to love others. We are taught that those around us are our brothers and our sisters; that we are supposed to love everyone
Zechariah 8:17
And let none of you imagine evil in your hearts against his neighbour... for all these are things that I hate, saith the LORD.

or better yet,
Matthew 5:44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you


How is it that I am supposed to love this person?? How can i bless them when I know that they are cursing someone I love? How can I do good when all I want to do is remove them from any possible situation, forever. How am I to be expected to pray for them after all in which they have done and said against my family? I hate them. The only person in which I have ever hated and I have hated them for almost half of my life now. How can I let this go. How am I supposed to love them and forgive them for all in which they have inflicted upon me and those I love most?

I can pray for those who deal with this person. I can't even think too highly of those who know what this person is capable of, what they've done, and still can stand by them, and consider them "friend". laksldfaspdyg[a how dare you!?!

I'm so glad there is an entire country separating me and this person and anyone who would keep me invovled with them. I couldn't even tell you what I would do if I were to come into contact with this person. God only knows if I'd be able to go through with all in which encompasses my mind. But I will, one day, have to account for all of my malice thoughts. I will have to explain myself and try to defend myself. I will have to tell my heavenly fathers why I felt as though I would have no problem striking this person, this child of God, with my fist or even my vehicle. I have to get ahold of myself as well as my imagination. I have to not just control my anger, but find a way to get rid of it, and replace it with love. But I have just come around full circle, to how on earth am I supposed to find love for someone who has done so much to hurt me, my family, and our chances at what matters most. To defile such a sacred thing with vulgar accusations. To rip apart a family. To be so... revolting. AHG. I just don't know how I am supposed to do this. I don't know. And it kills me. I'm sorry, but I just.. don't know what to do.

family reunion

alright. so today, rachel and moshe get into town. They'll be here for almost a week! It'll be nice to get to spend time with the entire family ((with the exception of Benjamin who is in Lincoln, NE on his mission right now)) and be able to actually see how they all interact. The last time we were all together was the weekend of the wedding and so, needless to say I was a little preoccupied to take much notice.

I'm enjoying it out here in North Carolina. It's a new experience and i hate not knowing my way around.. but hopefully, with enough practice, I'll learn how to get from point A to point B.

OH! And tomorrow I have 2 interviews with some life insurance companies. And a phone interview. I am, however, a little skeptical as to whether or not these companies are legitimate.

I do miss my kiddies though. I love them soo..





love you guys!!!! (derek and janalee, you guys don't blog anymore so please keep sending me pictures of my boy,... please and thank you!!)

xoxoxo

Job Search.. right.

So we arrived in NC on thursday and began the job search on Friday. This consisted of me altering my resume and attempting to make it presentable. Also going online and signing up for a nanny agency. In addition to this, I also went onto craigslist and emailed a bunch of people. SO. How did all of that go, you may ask. Well, first--the resume--I'm still not pleased with it. It isn't what it should be and that is very frustrating to me. My husbands, on the other hand, looks amazing and I am very proud of him and what he has made. Second, the nanny agency. So far, no bites. Also incredibly discouraging. All the ones that fit my schedule and have offered my range of pay, email me back to say that they've already filled the position. And third, the craigslist efforts. ALL spam. Joy. Nothing to be trusted. Now it is time to go and apply at a temp agency and then go out and deliver resumes as well as collect applications. This part is just so infuriating to me and I hope it will all be over soon. I am putting a lot of effort into it and hope it will eventually pay off. WIsh me luck! ((and patience.))

howdy from down south

hey ya'll!! I'M IN NORTH CAROLINA!!! No seriously, it's true! ANNNNDDD-- I turned the big 2-0 just about 5 days ago. HA! Can you believe it?! So many big steps for such a small town girl.

So in case you're just tuning in (aka anyone who only relies upon reading my once-in-a-blue-moon-blogs) TK and I have officially relocated to the beautiful state of North Carolina. On our way we stopped in Omaha and Lincoln and Ogallala and Kansas City. Oh yes. Ogallala. On the way out East my poor car, Jezabell, bless her engine, had a bit of a mechanical breakdown. It was all too much for her. Her CVC joints busted and she had to go to the hospital for a couple of days. I broke down. My car, when she gives me trouble, tends to rack up QUITE the hospital bills. Its a rare occasion when the total comes to less than a thousand. Here I was, my poor husband holding me up, balling my eyes out, in the middle of Nebraska, on my way to a state i had only visited for 2 days, putting complete faith in the Lord and our "couple-hundred-dollars-shy-of-empty" bank account and we just couldn't catch a break. we'd already been through hail and high water with the tornado && flash flood warnings we'd encountered earlier that day ((count them 1.2.3.FOUR!!!!)) and i just wasn't sure if I had really been listening to the Lord. I feared I had only followed what I had wanted to hear. So we checked into a hotel and I continued to cry. Finally, I turned to TK and asked him to say a prayer. We knelt and prayed that all would be well. That I would not be overwhelmed with stress and fear, and that if this is what he wanted for us to be doing, that it would all work out accordingly. Well the car was towed, we went to bed, and in the morning we were in contact with the mechanic. They confirmed it was the CVC and that they would order the part. Well, we decided that instead of wasting our trip in Ogallala, we'd continue on to Omaha for the weekend and return monday for the car. Finally, when all was said and done, it ended up that some family friends of OUR family friends were vacationing at a lake next to the lovely town of Ogallala and were willing to bring our car back to us on monday. Although there were plenty of kinks in this plan that took time and effort to iron out, It all ended up working out perfectly and Jezabell was returned to me in wonderful condition. The Lord heard are prayers and lined up all the pieces for us, we just had to be patient and have faith.

But the trip to Omaha was amazing, full of swimming, visiting, and laughter. I had a wonderful time. It had been so long since I got to see everyone and TK fit in perfectly. It was so nice to see him laughing with all of my old friends. And then we got to go to KC and see Trent and Dayna!! Oh and watch GI Joe. Good movie. I thoroughly enjoyed. All in all. I got to have a wonderful birthday week!!

SO! Back to us moving all the way across the country. TK is venturing into some new territories with real estate and has just been appointed head of the "cyber" team in his Dad's company. TK's family has been wonderful to us. Grandma Ball is willing enough to let us stay in her spare bedroom until we can be bringing in some money and his parents have been here supporting us and helping us get into some jobs. Tom reviewed my resume and was able to bring forth many helpful suggestions as well as (as previously mentioned) give TK a job doing what he loves.

Now yes, I am from the midwest where humidity is an old friend. HOWEVER, these mosquitos that it invites. KSF:SHdfopdoaph;dklf;aosuehawne. someone find a cure for their existence PLEASE! I have about 29 of those dang skeeter bites and I am going CRAZY.

Now, back to the story. So I am currently looking for a job. I have signed up for care.com which is a wonderful site that puts families and nannys together. However, after a whole day, not so much luck. I am planning on going to Charlotte on Monday and doing the whole application collecting and resume delivering bit and if all else fails and after a week, nothing, then I will start going around to the restaurants and get myself a serving/hosting gig until something more stable might come along. Either way, we need to start making money, and soon.

Although, it is good for Grandma that we are there. See, last month she fell. Now for a woman with osteoporosis to fall, is no bueno. She broke her vertebrae and did something bad to her arm. Also, Grandpa died about 6 months ago and the alone time isn't all that good for her. So its nice for her to have someone there looking after her as well as bringing some excitement to the home. ((after all, you know how riveting that world of warcraft can be :P --love you honeyy!!))

SOOOOOO thats the deal thus far. My new resolution is to keep in touch better. With everyone. So hopefully more blogging, a few more phone calls, ect ect. SOO!! keep me posted on your lives as well and I hope everyone is doing well! I love you lots and expect to be hearing from me soon! ((if not, bug me about it, keep me in line))

not your normal sniffle.

im sitting at home. paralized. not literally, but whatever. i got sick throughout the course of the daay. my stomach was bothering me, i thought it ws lack of substantial food, so, to take it slow, i had a granola bar and an orange. i was then able to take a nap which was amazing. and then i woke up, went home, and decided to try a bowl of cereal. i believe that is where i went wrong. i still don't know what was wrong earlier. but i got weak and so decided to take a shower to see if it'd refresh me. well my shower was rudely interrupted when i had to throw up. i finished washing and thought id have to go again. after sitting in the bathroom for 10 minutes ((soaking wet mind you, which i HATE being.. ask my husband. i have to squeege myself off before even grabbing a towel to get out... anywho)) i decided i needed to get a large bowl and retreat into my bedroom. well, before i could even reach the bowl, vision went fuzzy. black dots began to quickly cover my sight. i hurryed and grabbed the bowl outta the cubbord and raced to the couch --- no. my apt is not large. this is just how quickly it all happened. after regaining my regular respiration and vision. i got up and went to the bedroom to lay down. not on my stomach or my side, because neither would provide any comfort. as i lay on my back. my left leg went numb. tingling and what not. now i am no doctor but this all can't be good. plus. i work the salon and fridays tomorrow. an extended shift at fridays, even, seeing as how its our busiest day of the year (graduation.. why? idk. but they say it is.) and with swine flu crap being conspired i can't even leave my house if i have ANY flu symptons... which i have like 4. grrr. this is so not good.

((and no, i don't thiiink it is swine flu, i wass just saying that since people are so paranoid, i have to bbe cautious--esp dealing with peoples food and cleaning their cancer beds)

mumbo-jumbo

alright kiddos.

I am antsy-er than a pig amongst a Polynesian family reunion. I want so badly to escape. Not my life, just the mundane. Everyday, it’s the same routine. Get up, drive to work, work for 7 hours doing absolutely nothing except solving sudoku puzzles, driving home, seeing TK for all of 20 minutes—max, getting ready for job #2, driving to work, working and closing the restaurant, driving all the way back home, and seeing TK for all of another 20 minutes before going back to bed. I want to escape the work, or lack thereof. I want something to challenge in a good way rather than the challenge of NOT jumping into a tanning bed and setting the timer on infinite until my brain is LITERALLY fried rather than just figuratively. I need a new job, we need a new place to live (our landlords are screwing us royally), and I need something to do while TK is at work.

I love my husband. He has been so good. He has been at his job for the last four months and has hated it since day one. Literally, he came home that very first day and I still remember his odium for it. But he has stuck with it. Not because he knows we’d be screwed without that source of income (because I don’t think he DOES believe that… he’s very free spirited and believes that we could make it on my minimum wage because he’d rather live to enjoy, not live to work, but I digress) but because he knows how much it means to me to feel secure. Now no, we aren’t well off. We are still poor newly weds, where our biggest asset lies within Jezebel, my 1997 Chrysler Sebring in which I treat like crap, and it shows.

Although I have never been good at STICKING to a budget, I AM very good in managing one. I know that doesn’t make sense, but I am constantly crunching numbers and figuring how we’re going to make it from week to week. But then I am the one who is always wanting to go grab dinner because we have such bare cupboards and asking to go to Idaho to visit my brother and sister and Omaha to see my long lost friends.

Which brings me back to me being antsy. I need to get out. When I DO get a night off, oh how I cherish those evenings, I sit at home and do basically nothing. My husband is at work and I turn into a sack of potatoes. I know that I could be productive, but I am a people person. I need interaction. I need to go out with a group of people my own age, grow bonds with them, laugh and enjoy myself. My husband is amazing. Our time together is irreplaceable and I take advantage of it every moment I get, I just, I’m a social butterfly that got shoved back into her cocoon. I hate living somewhere in which I have no connections. I have my work, the salon, where I work alone. And Friday’s, where I work with a bunch of juvenile high school students as well as juvenile adults in which I doubt will ever grow up. I don’t want to be classified as such. I am working to make ends meet. But its not the end in which I want to obtain.

We look forward to making friends in our new ward, but, nothing against my own religion whatsoever, I have never really made too many close bonds with those in whom I have attended church with. I’m, lets say, unique, because that is the nicest way in which I know how to put it, and will probably attract the least amount of scrutiny by those who read this. I’m just not your traditional Mormon I guess. But our church is the only link in which I have, right now, to people outside of my family.

Family. As I sit here, bored, I am even tempted with the idea of expanding that term. Now as some of you know, TK and I have no intention of expanding our little family for quite some time. But sitting here, I can’t help but think of how if I did have a baby, we could go for walks while waiting for daddy to get home from work or play at the park. Yes I know, silly thoughts. But one day.

Any who. I am SERIOUSLY rambling like crazy now. So I am going to end.

Peace, love, and cookiedough.

catching up

Ok. I have a TON of entries to actually POST ((I don’t get internet at work so normally I’ll write a blog on word and just copy and paste…)) and I keep forgetting to post them… So here they are.

3-20-09

Yesterday was an amazing day. Not because I got to stay home and lounge around all day, mainly because I didn’t, but because in between the salon and Friday’s, I got to go with my future husband to obtain a marriage license. It was so incredibly exciting and just one step closer to that magnificent day!!

While in the County Clerk’s office, there were signs posted everywhere to inform the newly engaged that “ALL SALES ARE FINAL—NO REFUNDS” and that they are “ONLY VALID FOR THE NEXT 30 DAYS—NO EXCEPTIONS”. Well, I pointed them out to him and told him “if you bailed on me, you owe me fifty bucks. HECK! If you bail on me, you owe me a couple thousand dollars!” ((see, this is me joking around and trying to show him that I still don’t comprehend why he has chosen me….)) But TK doesn’t like this sense of humor and gets really irritated when I speak like this. But I really just don’t understand why he’s with me; I have issues. But I’m not going to go into all of the details about why he shouldn’t marry me because then he may put some extra thought into it and run, and this is the last thing in which I want to occur. So I will allow him to be in an ignorant bliss and I will marry him in sixteen days and we will live happily ever after ☺

So, it began to snow yesterday. And it’s still snowing today. This is not cool. It is almost April and there is plenty of snow covering a layer of ice outside. W.T.H. folks?!?! I’m just glad we’ve planned an indoor wedding. This stuff is just too sketchy for me.

OH OH OH!!! TK got a carrrr!!!! It’s a pretty 2006 white dodge neon!!!! ☺ I’m so stokeddd. I can’t wait to go cruising in it when there ISN’T inches of snow and ice all over the place!!



4-20

TK AND I ARE MARRIED!!! And I couldn’t be happier!!
We were married on April 11th of 2009 in Lehi amongst our closest friends and family! We are also going out to North Carolina next weekend where his family (my new family) is throwing us an Open House! I am so excited to see where he grew up and to be able to spend more time with my in-laws! They’re awesome :D


Our little apartment is becoming more and more “homey” and I love it!!! Well, except for our bedroom which still has yet to get any attention and therefore looks more like a storage unit that a place of Zen; but hopefully that’ll change sometime in the next week or two!! And it stinks because I have all of this motivation, but whenever I am actually at home, I find myself wanting to enjoy the rooms that are already put together and clean… who woulda thunk huh?


But its true, I do have a lot of motivation. I mean, planning a wedding requires determination, motivation, productivity? And yet have no way of releasing it!! I had the suggestions of creating the perfect home for my man and cooking nutritious meals for us so we don’t look like piglets… however. The perfect home for him consists of his laptop, maybe a new computer, and internet. So we have two out of the three and are working on the other. And cooking meals, unfortunately, I work M-F 8AM-2PM with a forty minute commute either way. And so he’s sleeping when I leave, and when I get home around 2:45PM, he is walking out the door to HIS job in which he works from 3:30-10PM with a forty minute commute each way. So we don’t get to see much of each other during meal times (or any other times for that matter) and I also work at TGI Fridays about 4 nights a week so I don’t even have many opportunities to cook for MYSELF either….

But hopefully one day that won’t be the case, and I’ll be able to only work one job and he will find a morning/day job and we’ll be home together in the evenings… hopefully!!

So. Basically. Anyone got any other ideas for me. Keep in mind, I DO have a busy work schedule. My largest amount of free time is ironically while I’m at work. I work (as most of you know if you’ve read previous blogs) at a tanning salon. Now, this is a very dull job. For example, today, about 20 people came in. That’s it. Mind you, they were spread out throughout my 6 hour shift and each one requires my attention for all of about 40 seconds. Oh, and the occasional phone call in which they are salespeople and I hang up on them.

SO! I have lots of free time there, but, I have no internet. SO!! I know I know, it’s a tough-y. But think hard people!! I need help. Hahaha I’m running out of ideas, I’ve already updated my calendar like 14 times, re-organized the budget and made it as thorough as I possibly could ((dates of every paycheck and bill due possible for the next several months and color coordination included)), cleaned out my purse and wallet, done my nails, learned how to and made a slideshow of me and my hubby, and written all of the thank you notes in which I believe I have to write before the Open House in North Carolina.

Now don’t go thinking I am some sort of horrible worker, I take my work very seriously. I always have. I strive to do my very best. But that is why I have to have projects to keep busy!! My boss even tells me so. She owns the place and HATES working here because she gets so bored. So, in order to not have employees drop like flies, she requests that they bring in their homework or a game or something to occupy them.

(And I already thought of online courses, except I don’t have internet. ☹ sadness I know.)

So! Your help would be loved and appreciated. Welp. Till next time.
Peace, Love, and Cookiedough!

4-23-09

So at my salon we have a very ghetto computer. And the CD player doesn’t work anymore, and so we are stuck listening, all day, everyday, to the stuff in which the little 15 year olds put on here back in 2005. So yeah. Really freaking annoying music that anyone would hate. I wanna shoot someone. So every chance I get, when the salon is empty of customers, I shut off the music and flip on my laptop to jam out to some Theory of a Deadman, Shinedown, Eminem, ect. All the music that I’d be reamed for if I played over the speaker system… haha.

ANYWAYS!

Yesterday was a full day. I woke up in a panic to no alarm, no noise whatsoever actually (except the fan that TK has to have going to be able to sleep) but to my own sense of a problem. I immediately looked at my phone that I keep under my pillow ((have since I was a sophomore in High school)) and the blurry little numbers read 7:57. “HOLY CRAP ITS 8 O’CLOCK!!!” TK was woken by my oh so subtle display of terror and told me to call Afton (my boss of the place in which I work, the place in which I was supposed to OPEN at 8, and the place in which takes me 40+ minutes to get to!) I told her that I had completely slept through my alarm, never heard it, and that I had JUST woken up. She then decided to share a story with me as to how she was on vacation in California and couldn’t open the Salon either. I told her I was on my way.

So, without so much as brushing my teeth, I kissed my husband and ran out the door. Surprisingly, I didn’t speed any more than normal, I followed the quickest pace of traffic and yelled at myself the entire way. I got here at 8:30 and didn’t have any customers for about an hour. Now, I don’t know if I lucked out and everyone else just decided to sleep in that day too, or if they had all been here at 8 as usual and left when the didn’t see the OPEN sign illuminated in the window. Either way, I felt horrible. So I went the entire day, staring at the screen of our (GHETTO) computer, listening to retarded music, and did absolutely nothing to pass the time so that I could give all and any attention to that of the Salon.

After work, I went home where I saw my husband for all of about 3 minutes. I HATE our schedules!!! And began cleaning up our mess. I did the dishes and showered. I then took a break to relax for just a bit before going and picking up Jordan to hang out. (I met Jordan years ago in Omaha—she is my sanity.) We helped each other get through seminary, and more recently, the frustrations of BYU(-I). She is leaving this weekend to go back to Nebraska for the summer ((so jealous!!)) and then may go to Israel to study abroad. Needless to say, I was sad and we needed to chill. So I picked her up and with her by my side (sitting on the bed giving me emotional support from the sidelines) I began to clean up our room. Now, if any of you know me well, I am infamous for having a room that makes tornado hit establishments look orderly, that has some type of old food or drink on the nightstand (or even last nights Chinese food lying next to me in bed) anyways—ITS BAD. But this wasn’t even that (luckily). It was the fact that we had moved ALL of my stuff from my Dad’s house into our apartment last weekend and haven’t had time to go through it all, and so it was just stuffed in our bedroom. But regardless, it was an embarrassment for my HUSBAND to even have to look at it. Poor TK.

SO! Last night I got crackin’ on it. I picked up all of the clothes. Folded and hung a ton of them. Many had to go into the laundry basket from being thrown around so much. And almost started a load or 2 of laundry but realized we don’t have any laundry detergent. So that’ll have to wait…. But I am very proud of what HAS been done. YOU CAN NOW SEE THAT WE HAVE CARPET IN OUR BEDROOM!!!!! And most all of it is visible!! Now, our apartment isn’t perfect right now. There’s a little mess in every room. But I wouldn’t mind showing it to anyone right now. (Hopefully I’ll get the time soon to copy my best friend and videotape the apartment for all of you to see it.) It’s so cute and quaint. I love it. Haha.

So after all this, TK walked in (half an hour early) from work and just topped off the night!! I had missed him so badly all day long… much like I do now… and it was just so good to be able to relax and hold him!!

So that was my day. Till next time,

Peace, Love, and Cookiedough.



5-6-09

I MISS MY HUSBAND!!!

This isn’t cool. I want to see him so badly. But I may get my chance. I just texted the girl who comes into work after me and asked if she’d want to come in an hour early or so… SOOOO, lets keep our fingers crossed!!

This last weekend, TK and I got to go back to North Carolina to have our Open House/Reception as well as to spend time with his family. Our flight departed SLC at 11:55 PM Friday night. At about 10PM ((when we should have been leaving my dad’s house—who was driving us to the airport—I realized that I had forgotten my purse aka wallet aka DRIVERS LICENSE at home. Luckily a friend of ours was willing to drive the half hour back and pick it up, and meet us at the airport. We made the flight… luckily!!!

We arrived in Charlotte at 10:30 AM Saturday morning. We then went to lunch at BOJANGLES, went home, visited for a bit, took a nap, and got ready for the open house. It was so nice to be able to meet all of his family and friends that were unable to travel all the way to Utah.

North Carolina is beautiful and his family is amazing!! We stayed up until around midnight just enjoying one another’s company and getting to know each other, oh and making fun of TK mercilessly!! ((its what in-laws are good for, right?!))

Sunday, we went to church, relaxed with the family, had an amazing dinner ((TK’s favorite)) and then had to leave for the airport. It was so sad to have to leave everyone so quickly. Hopefully next time, we’ll be able to get some time off work and be able to enjoy a couple or even several days. So our flight left at about 7:15 PM Sunday night, and we didn’t land in SLC until around 2:15 AM. Yes. Long flights. Long delays. And a few hours time change. We were tired. My dad was so sweet to pick us up, even so late. I felt so bad. None of us got to bed until around 3 or 4.

This week has been long due to fatigue, but it is all more than worth it. We had a blast!!!


Right now, I am currently looking for a summer nanny position or a summer day camp/daycare position. Something along those lines at least. My supposed “full time” job is only giving me 30 hours right now, and in the summer, they want to cut my hours even MORE because the other employees who are all in high school are now able to work the day shifts. So, I need to find something else—hopefully something with kids so I can actually enjoy my summer ☺ So! If anyone is looking, please let me know!! I have a good resume, amazing references, and plenty of experience! :D thanks a bunch..

MEL JUST TEXTED!! SHE’S ON HER WAY IN!!! Oh goodness, I am so excited to go home and see TK!!! We could even go to the park and have a BAJIO picnic!!! Ahhh. This day shall be amazing!!

So, lately, my sister has been sending me text picture messages of my oldest niece, and she is just wayyy too cute. I miss my girl a lot. And am actually very tempted to leave this weekend to go see her. She has such a tender spot in my heart… that girl could make me take a bath with a jelly fish, I swear! BUT, it is TK’s and my one month anniversary so maybe next weekend instead. Plus, we need a weekend at home with no responsibilities or obligations! :P

welp, im out.
peace, love, && cookie dough

life in the tanning world

I am getting married in eighteen days. Now I have been counting down to this since day 104 or so. The nineties took ages and the forties took decades, but quite frankly, the thirties and twenties went by without me even noticing!!! I am getting married in two and a half weeks and couldn’t be happier!

We had our first “get together” at our apartment with TK’s best man, Jeff, and his girlfriend, Amber just a few nights ago. We watched Lakeview Terrace (weird movie) and ate tons of junk food before I fell asleep on the recliner and they played the wii. It was so incredibly exciting to think that that is OUR apartment and in just a FEW weeks, we will be moving in and, after the honeymoon, LIVING there!! Now if I could just get that boy to carry his keys!! Hahaha

So, we are getting a second car on Wednesday, (tomorrow). Ok fine, TK is getting a car tomorrow, but I get to drive it!! – Every once in a while? I hope? Maybe? Well, I’ll work on it… But its going to be so nice to not have to drive a million directions every which way and it will free up some time where we can just relax and enjoy each other a little more.

So as some of you know, during the days, I work at a tanning salon. I know, I know, “Jillian?!?! “Blinded by the white, pasty legs? Working at a salon? Noooooo….” But it is true, I do, and yes, I am still white. ANYWHO. The salon. So I work in Highland and if ANYONE knows Highland or Alpine, you would know that they are sister cities and probably have the snobbiest inhabitants in Utah County. Seriously. These people are rude and just have money to burn. And these are the people I have to put up with everyday. Either they have so much money that they really think that they are better than anyone that DIDN’T buy their main form of transportation from an Air Force base OR they have so much money that they really are as stupid as they look.

EXAMPLES?! Oh. I got some for each.

STUPID = Ok, so this isn’t exactly a story about a customer so much as a girl who was inquiring about an open position. This Barbie wannabe steps out of her daddy’s Mercedes and proceeds toward the salon. Her hair had been bleached beyond recognition and she had to have use pliers to button her jeans. And on top of all of this she was ATTEPTING to walk in heels that were taller than her face, if this is possible. SO! She’s walking toward the salon, and I kid you not people, she had to stop at the door to read the sign to figure out whether she was to push or pull. Not that her stopping to acknowledge the sign could have possibly worked seeing as how she clearly could not comprehend the characters posted for she did push when in fact the sign said pull.
After defeating the large metal door that had put forth one hell of a fight, she proceeded into my lobby, came forth to my desk, and smiled. Now I know you are thinking, ‘Jillian! C’mon, she’s a sweet girl who has a few issues and she smiled at you, so be nice!!’ But no folks, she didn’t just smile at me, she was practically in a trance, you know, a half-conscious state characterized by an absence of response to external stimuli. I mean, given, this was probably a very common state for her but geeze! did she really have to start drooling on my counter?!

I asked her what her last name was so that I could pull up her account and then it happened. She opened her mouth and began to produce words! Now this HAD to have been a big day for her and don’t worry folks! I was sure to get her address so that I could send her a copy of the security tapes so that one day she could share her big day with her grandchildren, but I digress.

She asked if I knew whether we were hiring or not. I kindly informed her that we were not; however, we WERE always accepting résumés . She stood there in awe, processing the noises that just protruded from my lips. After all of thirty seconds, she goes “ohhhhh, ok. Well can I get one of those?” I smiled. How could I not? And told her that she could bring in a résumé and we would keep it until we were hiring, and then it would be reviewed and if decided, she would get a call.

Oh. You guessed it! No, she did NOT follow what I was trying to say. She requested, yet again, for me to give her a résumé. I then had to tell her that she had to make a résumé and bring it in. She pondered. Forty-five seconds later came the words, “So you don’t have one that I can just fill out?” Now come on you guys, this is just mean. I mean, TK? Did YOU send her in?! Maybe Afton sent her in to test me. But I wasn’t going to fail. I responded with “No, a résumé is something you make on your own that shows you previous work experience and why someone should hire you.” More pondering occurred. “oh so like, it’s an essay?” (you know you’d kill this girl if you had the chance.. but the security cameras I mentioned previously were pointed RIGHT at me. Stupid technology—“keeping you from murdering stupid people who will inevitably breed and bring forth MORE stupid people”-quotation courtesy of TK Sheppard).

“No, its more like a list. There are even computer programs that will help you do it.” I thought this helped when she said “Oh! Ok, well thank you!” But no, she stayed, motionless, smiling still. And when I gave her that “what the crap are you looking at glare” she asked “So do you need work experience for it?” I snapped. I told her you made a résumé out of your background and work experience and that if she didn’t have any then she probably wouldn’t be able to make a very good résumé, especially considering that I could only imagine how hard “Kiki” would be to spell so you’d probably just end up giving me a blank piece of paper.

Alright fine, so I didn’t say that. I just smiled back at her and told her whatever she had I’m sure would be lovely and wished her a wonderful day and good luck with her job search.

--I swear, if I get a “résumé” from this chick I’ll use it to start a bon-fire on that bleached blonde wig she was wearing and video tape her running around screaming for dear life.

RUDE = Ok so the other night I got a call from one of my co-workers. Her name is Ashley. Ashley is 16, Mormon, and probably one of the sweetest little girls ever. So she calls me and was crying. Apparently, some “bia” of a woman came in during the rush. She had a lobby full of customers waiting for beds as well as a line out the door. Well this female waltzes in on her broomstick, ((given, she wasn’t REALLY on a broomstick that was VISIBLE on a count of it was shoved so far up her butt, but I digress)) passing everyone else and interrupts Ashley to request a tanning bed. Ashley asked her to hold on one moment and continued to assist the customer that had actually stood in line and waited for his turn. Well this was not ok with the ill-mannered shrew. She proceeded to interrupt Ashley as she was trying to stay professional. Finally this self-absorbed she-devil shouted her name at Ashley and proceeded into a room of her choosing and slammed the door. Ashley, dumbstruck, looked up her name and set the timer on the chosen bed.
After the peaceful twenty minutes had elapsed, the malicious woman emerged again to interrupt yet ANOTHER customer. She demanded that the owner was to be called and the phone passed so that she could express her contempt for Ashley and the way in which she treated her.
Upon Afton (the owner of the salon) answering her cell phone, the she-devil went off. Yelling at her about how “it is inappropriate to hire family (Even though Ashley is far from being related to Afton) and that such an arrangement had to have been the only reason that such an inconsiderate and neglecting employee could not only be hired, but left on the payroll. And that she was appalled at the way in which she had been treated and that Ashley would be so unprofessional as to carry on a conversation with a possible “gentleman caller” instead of tending to loyal, and not to mention, highly paying customers.”
Well. After exchanging so many words, oh, pardon me, exchanging implies that there was some give as well as some take, umm lets see, after “bitching Afton’s ear off” for all of about 15 minutes, she stated that she was never planning to return to such an unpleasant establishment. Well. If anyone knows Afton, ((and trust me, I’m learning more day by day, and KICKING myself for missing it)) this was her green light. In that milli-second in which the wretched customer took a breath, Afton had already held her down, neck deep in her own cow’s dung that she and been piling up since the moment she entered the salon (and by cow I mean the she-devil woman). She went off about how “the last thing her pruned self needed was to be exposed to UV rays of any kind. After all, what is the point in getting all tanned up to look at yourself in a mirror when you step out of the shower before bed and then going and crying yourself to sleep because we all know that that is the only time in which a pair of eyes ACTUALLY glance upon your ugly trash. And I know, I know, ever since that one night at your thirtieth high reunion when Eugine, the captain of chess team year ‘77 took you behind the bleachers after you were both too drunk to see, you just keep waiting for that day that he’ll realize that you really haven’t changed that much since the days of you paying him to do your science homework but see, that was three years ago and he must have lost your number when he wiped his own butt with it while laughing, yes at your expense, so why don’t you just suck it up and move on. Oh, and if you ever think about stopping in for a tan at my salon again, I will be sure that the canopy doesn’t pop back up.”

So basically, long story short. I worship my boss. End of story. Oh and I hate my job.

3-23

I love my fiancé with everything in which I am. He is my everything; I would lay down my life in a heartbeat for him. He is so incredible that I cannot even know where to begin. But I seriously feel horrible for this man in which I am about to marry. I don’t think he has any idea as to what he is getting himself into.

However, he did get a small taste of it the other night.


After a long (13 hour) workday, we started the tedious drive home. I was in “one of my moods”. –Now something you need to understand about “one of my moods” is that this is not.. “oh she had a bad day and now she’s on one..” no. This is “she’s been sitting alone all day and had nothing better to think about than all that haunts her and all she hates to let come to the surface.” So when I’m in “one of my moods,” I’m not angry or short. I’m just silent, preoccupied, pensive. When I’m paying attention to the conversation, my responses are simple and without thought. And he caught me. I wasn’t there. Not really. I was in the drivers seat while the rest of me was somewhere else.

I hate not being able to express my emotions. ESPECIALLY when they're emotions due to an experience that no one else comprehends. It’s like trying to communicate to a blind person who only speaks Hungarian. Regardless of what you say or do, you can't seem to relay the fact that if they don't hold their breath and jump, they will die.

And that is exactly how the other day felt. I couldn't explain the situation or what needed to be done to fix it. It was just chaos and frustration.. How can I expect ANYONE to comprehend the emotions that down right baffle me?

However, inevitably, the conversation was directed at me, my mood, and all of my issues. Poor kid, before even had a chance to rethink bringing it up, he was waist deep in my baggage and only sinking further in by the second. He doesn’t know that no one is supposed to bring it up unless I ask to discuss it. He doesn’t know that more than anything in this world, I hate to cry. He doesn’t know that you even think the wrong thing while this topic is at hand and I’ll rip your entire arm off. My poor fiancé, he just didn’t know. But he is to be my husband in less than three weeks, it had to happen sooner or later, and so, within all of fifteen minutes, he knew. He knew how crazy I am, how messed up and unfixable I truly am. He knew of my fears, of my worst dreams come true. He knew what haunts me on a daily basis, and how it effects me. He knew a completely different side, but a very big part, of me.

At one point in time, in the midst of it all, I caught a look in his eyes. A look of fear. And as much as could have easily been a fear of “holy hell, what on earth have I gotten myself into, where can I run where she won’t find me, am I going to die right here, tonight? is there any way I could get that ring back?!” it wasn’t. It was the fear of, how on earth am I going to fix this, how can I help this woman that I love? And even more so, it was the fear of knowing, deep down, that he can’t.

This is a battle that only I can fight. One that I have fought for almost half of my life. One that even those who were there, even those people that lost what I lost, don’t understand how it is. Because we all are different. All of our relationships were different. All of our faith and strength—we’re all different.

Me?
I mask. I put up that facade and don’t let anyone see behind it. Nobody even knows that its there, that is how good I have gotten at it. They can look straight into my eyes, and only see themselves, starring back at them through my pupil.
I smile. A lot; even when it’s killing me. I’ll laugh and have a gay old time just making everyone else think that I’m doing far better than I really am.
I move. I keep busy through everything. I go out, i dance and sing with my friends. I go to breakfast at village inn and lunch where ever we can go that only takes ½ an hour because Millard West is retarded. I have dinner at my friends before going and having a movie night or dance party. I keep my mind off of everything as best as I can. And if still, this isn’t enough.
I hide. I hide in my room, turn up my music, burry my face in the pillow and cry. I cry because I’m alone. I cry because I hate being vulnerable. I cry because I remember what used to happen when I was little and something would make me cry. I cry because I’m not laying my head on my mom’s lap as she plays with my hair and tells me she loves me to try and calm me down. I cry because I’m hurt, frustrated, pissed, flustered, lost, confused, and sad.

But TK didn’t know any of this; after all, most people don’t. In fact, the most that a lot of people know is that I deal with it on my own. There are a few that know that if I want to discuss it, I’ll come to them. And even then, it normally consists of me just sitting there, a tear running down the cheek, needing someone to hug. I don’t want anyone to tell me that they understand or that what I am going through is normal because no one understands and no one should have to because it ISN’T normal.

I will outlive my baby sister –my first roommate, my best friend—by a lifetime. She hadn’t even lost her lisp yet and her outfits were always too big and mismatched because she loved wearing her older sisters and even mom’s clothes. My mom doesn’t get to help me put on my wedding dress in less than three weeks as I get ready to walk down the isle to marry the man of my dreams, the love of my life. My sisters don’t get to be my bridesmaids and stand in the circle to catch the bouquet. This is NOT normal. They should be here, living the amazing lives that they deserve.

And I live with all of this. Everyday. Knowing that each day that they are gone, my memories fade faster. I feel horrible. They should be unforgettable and yet I have to strain my brain for hours just to come up with something. It’s horrible. They deserved so much more. I needed more time with them, it was too short.

And now, my husband-to-be, is being forced into a life in which I have had 8 years to adjust to… if you could even call it adjusting. But he has to adjust to not being able to do anything other than be there, tell me he loves me, and hold me while I cry. I pray that I won’t scare him away with my baggage. That it won’t suck him up like quicksand and suffocate him. But I couldn’t blame him if he did. Its too much to not be able to handle. But I have to. Everyday.

PICTURES!!

Ok so my photographer -- Carrie Butler -- ((check out her blog!! its http://paigisms.blogspot.com/ and i stinking LOVE this womans work!!!)) has found some sort of program in which makes the most BEAUTIFUL slide shows i have ever seen in my life AND there is a friend of mine that has even offered to go through all of my old pictures to pick out some good ones so that I can have a slideshow at my wedding so i am just so stinking happy that this is being completely taken care of and its one less thing for me to stress over!!

So, other finding all of this out, today I had my last dress fitting, ordered my shoes, and had a doctors appointment. its been one big day. oh and work. hahah boo.

Ok. so one of my friends got married last year, and i'm not going to say who or anything.. but before they got married and after they set up their bridal registery, they would go online and check out what had already been purchased so they knew what they were getting and i had NO idea you could do that until they did it but now that i know that you CAN do it.. gahh its just so tempting to just log in and check it out!! hahahaha. is that wayyy horrible of me?!?! lol. but even if it wasn't, the fiance already told me i wasn't allowed.... hahaha. cuz i tried.

i am so upset... i can't find my baby book anywhere. it has thousands of pictures of me from birth - 2yrs. including the hospital and everything. gah. i have zero idea as to where it possibly could be and it is just killing me. this is not ok. stupid moving!!!!!

::25 days::

baby steps.

Alright, so apparently, when you're fixin to get married, blogging is "the bee's knees" -- or so i have been told.

so here i am. attempting to do it. we'll see if it takes..

I am planning a wedding on a $3000 budget. and so far--i'm doing SOOO good!! bargin shopping is my new specialty!! and google shopping is my new little sidekick!! I've been finding the best deals and have really enjoyed taking on such a feat independently.. now don't get me wrong, my fiance has been amazing and willing as well as my sister and otherss... i just have taken great pride from it. Just knowing that i can do it... i love it!!

This week we signed the contract on our apartment.. our first apartment as a couple. :D eee. i was beyond happy!! its a cute little basement apartment in Provo, UT. We have all we need. bed, microwave, coffee table, couch, recliner, dinner table, fridge/freezer, tv stand, dressers, night stands, book shelf. it makes me so happy!!! i know i have said this already but i just don't know what else to say! its perfect for us. We can start to slowly move things in as soon as we want, its ours. As soon as TK finds a new car, he will be living there until the wedding, when i can join him.

We still haven't made a definate decision as to whether we will stay in Provo and send me to school here, or go back up to rexburg. But we have it for now. And the rest will fall in to place in due time.

TK got another free lance graphics job this week. He has a deadline for monday for a recording artist in L.A. that wanted him to design her webpage. Its so exciting but a lot of pressure, if she likes it, this could open up numerous doors and opportunities for him to be able to do what he loves!! He also got a premotion!! he is now lead stock at his work and has managed to get us both wonderful benefits!! I am so proud of him.. he has been working so hard and yet still manages to give me all of the attention that i demand so often..... :P

My sister and her family came down for the weekend! it was a blast. I got to spend time with my two most favorite girls in the world. i love my lil nieces, theyre just so dang cute. i still miss my big brother though :( he had lots of homework though and i get to see him in less than a month, so i can't complain tooo much. i know theyre busy. but shauna and i got to go shoe shopping for the wedding and really got to enjoy ourselves! i love her and am so greatful for the help that she has offered!! they're a BIG part of why i want to go back up to rexburg.. but its not all about what i want... its where we need to be that matters.. now if only we could figure it out..

Our photographer, Carrie Butler http://www.paigisms.blogspot.com/ -- an amazing old friend from my EARLY (( age 4-7 ish? )) years, wanted to take us out for another photo shoot so that she could get to know us and our personality as a couple. This way we'd all be comfortable with one another on the day of the wedding. It was a blast!!! I love being told to kiss him!! Its not just allowed, its NEEDED!!! its how i always feel :D as you could imagine, i was more than willing to comply!! We had fun and i cannot WAIT for the pictures.. i just love having lots of pictures and for some reason, i have been AWFUL at taking them lately!!

welp. its that time again.. gotta get ready for church and then race over to see my man!!

::twentysevendays::