life in the tanning world

I am getting married in eighteen days. Now I have been counting down to this since day 104 or so. The nineties took ages and the forties took decades, but quite frankly, the thirties and twenties went by without me even noticing!!! I am getting married in two and a half weeks and couldn’t be happier!

We had our first “get together” at our apartment with TK’s best man, Jeff, and his girlfriend, Amber just a few nights ago. We watched Lakeview Terrace (weird movie) and ate tons of junk food before I fell asleep on the recliner and they played the wii. It was so incredibly exciting to think that that is OUR apartment and in just a FEW weeks, we will be moving in and, after the honeymoon, LIVING there!! Now if I could just get that boy to carry his keys!! Hahaha

So, we are getting a second car on Wednesday, (tomorrow). Ok fine, TK is getting a car tomorrow, but I get to drive it!! – Every once in a while? I hope? Maybe? Well, I’ll work on it… But its going to be so nice to not have to drive a million directions every which way and it will free up some time where we can just relax and enjoy each other a little more.

So as some of you know, during the days, I work at a tanning salon. I know, I know, “Jillian?!?! “Blinded by the white, pasty legs? Working at a salon? Noooooo….” But it is true, I do, and yes, I am still white. ANYWHO. The salon. So I work in Highland and if ANYONE knows Highland or Alpine, you would know that they are sister cities and probably have the snobbiest inhabitants in Utah County. Seriously. These people are rude and just have money to burn. And these are the people I have to put up with everyday. Either they have so much money that they really think that they are better than anyone that DIDN’T buy their main form of transportation from an Air Force base OR they have so much money that they really are as stupid as they look.

EXAMPLES?! Oh. I got some for each.

STUPID = Ok, so this isn’t exactly a story about a customer so much as a girl who was inquiring about an open position. This Barbie wannabe steps out of her daddy’s Mercedes and proceeds toward the salon. Her hair had been bleached beyond recognition and she had to have use pliers to button her jeans. And on top of all of this she was ATTEPTING to walk in heels that were taller than her face, if this is possible. SO! She’s walking toward the salon, and I kid you not people, she had to stop at the door to read the sign to figure out whether she was to push or pull. Not that her stopping to acknowledge the sign could have possibly worked seeing as how she clearly could not comprehend the characters posted for she did push when in fact the sign said pull.
After defeating the large metal door that had put forth one hell of a fight, she proceeded into my lobby, came forth to my desk, and smiled. Now I know you are thinking, ‘Jillian! C’mon, she’s a sweet girl who has a few issues and she smiled at you, so be nice!!’ But no folks, she didn’t just smile at me, she was practically in a trance, you know, a half-conscious state characterized by an absence of response to external stimuli. I mean, given, this was probably a very common state for her but geeze! did she really have to start drooling on my counter?!

I asked her what her last name was so that I could pull up her account and then it happened. She opened her mouth and began to produce words! Now this HAD to have been a big day for her and don’t worry folks! I was sure to get her address so that I could send her a copy of the security tapes so that one day she could share her big day with her grandchildren, but I digress.

She asked if I knew whether we were hiring or not. I kindly informed her that we were not; however, we WERE always accepting résumés . She stood there in awe, processing the noises that just protruded from my lips. After all of thirty seconds, she goes “ohhhhh, ok. Well can I get one of those?” I smiled. How could I not? And told her that she could bring in a résumé and we would keep it until we were hiring, and then it would be reviewed and if decided, she would get a call.

Oh. You guessed it! No, she did NOT follow what I was trying to say. She requested, yet again, for me to give her a résumé. I then had to tell her that she had to make a résumé and bring it in. She pondered. Forty-five seconds later came the words, “So you don’t have one that I can just fill out?” Now come on you guys, this is just mean. I mean, TK? Did YOU send her in?! Maybe Afton sent her in to test me. But I wasn’t going to fail. I responded with “No, a résumé is something you make on your own that shows you previous work experience and why someone should hire you.” More pondering occurred. “oh so like, it’s an essay?” (you know you’d kill this girl if you had the chance.. but the security cameras I mentioned previously were pointed RIGHT at me. Stupid technology—“keeping you from murdering stupid people who will inevitably breed and bring forth MORE stupid people”-quotation courtesy of TK Sheppard).

“No, its more like a list. There are even computer programs that will help you do it.” I thought this helped when she said “Oh! Ok, well thank you!” But no, she stayed, motionless, smiling still. And when I gave her that “what the crap are you looking at glare” she asked “So do you need work experience for it?” I snapped. I told her you made a résumé out of your background and work experience and that if she didn’t have any then she probably wouldn’t be able to make a very good résumé, especially considering that I could only imagine how hard “Kiki” would be to spell so you’d probably just end up giving me a blank piece of paper.

Alright fine, so I didn’t say that. I just smiled back at her and told her whatever she had I’m sure would be lovely and wished her a wonderful day and good luck with her job search.

--I swear, if I get a “résumé” from this chick I’ll use it to start a bon-fire on that bleached blonde wig she was wearing and video tape her running around screaming for dear life.

RUDE = Ok so the other night I got a call from one of my co-workers. Her name is Ashley. Ashley is 16, Mormon, and probably one of the sweetest little girls ever. So she calls me and was crying. Apparently, some “bia” of a woman came in during the rush. She had a lobby full of customers waiting for beds as well as a line out the door. Well this female waltzes in on her broomstick, ((given, she wasn’t REALLY on a broomstick that was VISIBLE on a count of it was shoved so far up her butt, but I digress)) passing everyone else and interrupts Ashley to request a tanning bed. Ashley asked her to hold on one moment and continued to assist the customer that had actually stood in line and waited for his turn. Well this was not ok with the ill-mannered shrew. She proceeded to interrupt Ashley as she was trying to stay professional. Finally this self-absorbed she-devil shouted her name at Ashley and proceeded into a room of her choosing and slammed the door. Ashley, dumbstruck, looked up her name and set the timer on the chosen bed.
After the peaceful twenty minutes had elapsed, the malicious woman emerged again to interrupt yet ANOTHER customer. She demanded that the owner was to be called and the phone passed so that she could express her contempt for Ashley and the way in which she treated her.
Upon Afton (the owner of the salon) answering her cell phone, the she-devil went off. Yelling at her about how “it is inappropriate to hire family (Even though Ashley is far from being related to Afton) and that such an arrangement had to have been the only reason that such an inconsiderate and neglecting employee could not only be hired, but left on the payroll. And that she was appalled at the way in which she had been treated and that Ashley would be so unprofessional as to carry on a conversation with a possible “gentleman caller” instead of tending to loyal, and not to mention, highly paying customers.”
Well. After exchanging so many words, oh, pardon me, exchanging implies that there was some give as well as some take, umm lets see, after “bitching Afton’s ear off” for all of about 15 minutes, she stated that she was never planning to return to such an unpleasant establishment. Well. If anyone knows Afton, ((and trust me, I’m learning more day by day, and KICKING myself for missing it)) this was her green light. In that milli-second in which the wretched customer took a breath, Afton had already held her down, neck deep in her own cow’s dung that she and been piling up since the moment she entered the salon (and by cow I mean the she-devil woman). She went off about how “the last thing her pruned self needed was to be exposed to UV rays of any kind. After all, what is the point in getting all tanned up to look at yourself in a mirror when you step out of the shower before bed and then going and crying yourself to sleep because we all know that that is the only time in which a pair of eyes ACTUALLY glance upon your ugly trash. And I know, I know, ever since that one night at your thirtieth high reunion when Eugine, the captain of chess team year ‘77 took you behind the bleachers after you were both too drunk to see, you just keep waiting for that day that he’ll realize that you really haven’t changed that much since the days of you paying him to do your science homework but see, that was three years ago and he must have lost your number when he wiped his own butt with it while laughing, yes at your expense, so why don’t you just suck it up and move on. Oh, and if you ever think about stopping in for a tan at my salon again, I will be sure that the canopy doesn’t pop back up.”

So basically, long story short. I worship my boss. End of story. Oh and I hate my job.

3-23

I love my fiancé with everything in which I am. He is my everything; I would lay down my life in a heartbeat for him. He is so incredible that I cannot even know where to begin. But I seriously feel horrible for this man in which I am about to marry. I don’t think he has any idea as to what he is getting himself into.

However, he did get a small taste of it the other night.


After a long (13 hour) workday, we started the tedious drive home. I was in “one of my moods”. –Now something you need to understand about “one of my moods” is that this is not.. “oh she had a bad day and now she’s on one..” no. This is “she’s been sitting alone all day and had nothing better to think about than all that haunts her and all she hates to let come to the surface.” So when I’m in “one of my moods,” I’m not angry or short. I’m just silent, preoccupied, pensive. When I’m paying attention to the conversation, my responses are simple and without thought. And he caught me. I wasn’t there. Not really. I was in the drivers seat while the rest of me was somewhere else.

I hate not being able to express my emotions. ESPECIALLY when they're emotions due to an experience that no one else comprehends. It’s like trying to communicate to a blind person who only speaks Hungarian. Regardless of what you say or do, you can't seem to relay the fact that if they don't hold their breath and jump, they will die.

And that is exactly how the other day felt. I couldn't explain the situation or what needed to be done to fix it. It was just chaos and frustration.. How can I expect ANYONE to comprehend the emotions that down right baffle me?

However, inevitably, the conversation was directed at me, my mood, and all of my issues. Poor kid, before even had a chance to rethink bringing it up, he was waist deep in my baggage and only sinking further in by the second. He doesn’t know that no one is supposed to bring it up unless I ask to discuss it. He doesn’t know that more than anything in this world, I hate to cry. He doesn’t know that you even think the wrong thing while this topic is at hand and I’ll rip your entire arm off. My poor fiancé, he just didn’t know. But he is to be my husband in less than three weeks, it had to happen sooner or later, and so, within all of fifteen minutes, he knew. He knew how crazy I am, how messed up and unfixable I truly am. He knew of my fears, of my worst dreams come true. He knew what haunts me on a daily basis, and how it effects me. He knew a completely different side, but a very big part, of me.

At one point in time, in the midst of it all, I caught a look in his eyes. A look of fear. And as much as could have easily been a fear of “holy hell, what on earth have I gotten myself into, where can I run where she won’t find me, am I going to die right here, tonight? is there any way I could get that ring back?!” it wasn’t. It was the fear of, how on earth am I going to fix this, how can I help this woman that I love? And even more so, it was the fear of knowing, deep down, that he can’t.

This is a battle that only I can fight. One that I have fought for almost half of my life. One that even those who were there, even those people that lost what I lost, don’t understand how it is. Because we all are different. All of our relationships were different. All of our faith and strength—we’re all different.

Me?
I mask. I put up that facade and don’t let anyone see behind it. Nobody even knows that its there, that is how good I have gotten at it. They can look straight into my eyes, and only see themselves, starring back at them through my pupil.
I smile. A lot; even when it’s killing me. I’ll laugh and have a gay old time just making everyone else think that I’m doing far better than I really am.
I move. I keep busy through everything. I go out, i dance and sing with my friends. I go to breakfast at village inn and lunch where ever we can go that only takes ½ an hour because Millard West is retarded. I have dinner at my friends before going and having a movie night or dance party. I keep my mind off of everything as best as I can. And if still, this isn’t enough.
I hide. I hide in my room, turn up my music, burry my face in the pillow and cry. I cry because I’m alone. I cry because I hate being vulnerable. I cry because I remember what used to happen when I was little and something would make me cry. I cry because I’m not laying my head on my mom’s lap as she plays with my hair and tells me she loves me to try and calm me down. I cry because I’m hurt, frustrated, pissed, flustered, lost, confused, and sad.

But TK didn’t know any of this; after all, most people don’t. In fact, the most that a lot of people know is that I deal with it on my own. There are a few that know that if I want to discuss it, I’ll come to them. And even then, it normally consists of me just sitting there, a tear running down the cheek, needing someone to hug. I don’t want anyone to tell me that they understand or that what I am going through is normal because no one understands and no one should have to because it ISN’T normal.

I will outlive my baby sister –my first roommate, my best friend—by a lifetime. She hadn’t even lost her lisp yet and her outfits were always too big and mismatched because she loved wearing her older sisters and even mom’s clothes. My mom doesn’t get to help me put on my wedding dress in less than three weeks as I get ready to walk down the isle to marry the man of my dreams, the love of my life. My sisters don’t get to be my bridesmaids and stand in the circle to catch the bouquet. This is NOT normal. They should be here, living the amazing lives that they deserve.

And I live with all of this. Everyday. Knowing that each day that they are gone, my memories fade faster. I feel horrible. They should be unforgettable and yet I have to strain my brain for hours just to come up with something. It’s horrible. They deserved so much more. I needed more time with them, it was too short.

And now, my husband-to-be, is being forced into a life in which I have had 8 years to adjust to… if you could even call it adjusting. But he has to adjust to not being able to do anything other than be there, tell me he loves me, and hold me while I cry. I pray that I won’t scare him away with my baggage. That it won’t suck him up like quicksand and suffocate him. But I couldn’t blame him if he did. Its too much to not be able to handle. But I have to. Everyday.

PICTURES!!

Ok so my photographer -- Carrie Butler -- ((check out her blog!! its http://paigisms.blogspot.com/ and i stinking LOVE this womans work!!!)) has found some sort of program in which makes the most BEAUTIFUL slide shows i have ever seen in my life AND there is a friend of mine that has even offered to go through all of my old pictures to pick out some good ones so that I can have a slideshow at my wedding so i am just so stinking happy that this is being completely taken care of and its one less thing for me to stress over!!

So, other finding all of this out, today I had my last dress fitting, ordered my shoes, and had a doctors appointment. its been one big day. oh and work. hahah boo.

Ok. so one of my friends got married last year, and i'm not going to say who or anything.. but before they got married and after they set up their bridal registery, they would go online and check out what had already been purchased so they knew what they were getting and i had NO idea you could do that until they did it but now that i know that you CAN do it.. gahh its just so tempting to just log in and check it out!! hahahaha. is that wayyy horrible of me?!?! lol. but even if it wasn't, the fiance already told me i wasn't allowed.... hahaha. cuz i tried.

i am so upset... i can't find my baby book anywhere. it has thousands of pictures of me from birth - 2yrs. including the hospital and everything. gah. i have zero idea as to where it possibly could be and it is just killing me. this is not ok. stupid moving!!!!!

::25 days::

baby steps.

Alright, so apparently, when you're fixin to get married, blogging is "the bee's knees" -- or so i have been told.

so here i am. attempting to do it. we'll see if it takes..

I am planning a wedding on a $3000 budget. and so far--i'm doing SOOO good!! bargin shopping is my new specialty!! and google shopping is my new little sidekick!! I've been finding the best deals and have really enjoyed taking on such a feat independently.. now don't get me wrong, my fiance has been amazing and willing as well as my sister and otherss... i just have taken great pride from it. Just knowing that i can do it... i love it!!

This week we signed the contract on our apartment.. our first apartment as a couple. :D eee. i was beyond happy!! its a cute little basement apartment in Provo, UT. We have all we need. bed, microwave, coffee table, couch, recliner, dinner table, fridge/freezer, tv stand, dressers, night stands, book shelf. it makes me so happy!!! i know i have said this already but i just don't know what else to say! its perfect for us. We can start to slowly move things in as soon as we want, its ours. As soon as TK finds a new car, he will be living there until the wedding, when i can join him.

We still haven't made a definate decision as to whether we will stay in Provo and send me to school here, or go back up to rexburg. But we have it for now. And the rest will fall in to place in due time.

TK got another free lance graphics job this week. He has a deadline for monday for a recording artist in L.A. that wanted him to design her webpage. Its so exciting but a lot of pressure, if she likes it, this could open up numerous doors and opportunities for him to be able to do what he loves!! He also got a premotion!! he is now lead stock at his work and has managed to get us both wonderful benefits!! I am so proud of him.. he has been working so hard and yet still manages to give me all of the attention that i demand so often..... :P

My sister and her family came down for the weekend! it was a blast. I got to spend time with my two most favorite girls in the world. i love my lil nieces, theyre just so dang cute. i still miss my big brother though :( he had lots of homework though and i get to see him in less than a month, so i can't complain tooo much. i know theyre busy. but shauna and i got to go shoe shopping for the wedding and really got to enjoy ourselves! i love her and am so greatful for the help that she has offered!! they're a BIG part of why i want to go back up to rexburg.. but its not all about what i want... its where we need to be that matters.. now if only we could figure it out..

Our photographer, Carrie Butler http://www.paigisms.blogspot.com/ -- an amazing old friend from my EARLY (( age 4-7 ish? )) years, wanted to take us out for another photo shoot so that she could get to know us and our personality as a couple. This way we'd all be comfortable with one another on the day of the wedding. It was a blast!!! I love being told to kiss him!! Its not just allowed, its NEEDED!!! its how i always feel :D as you could imagine, i was more than willing to comply!! We had fun and i cannot WAIT for the pictures.. i just love having lots of pictures and for some reason, i have been AWFUL at taking them lately!!

welp. its that time again.. gotta get ready for church and then race over to see my man!!

::twentysevendays::