The Working Mama

"I started working at a wonderful salon back in May of this year. This is my dream salon. It has everything I could ever want from a salon as far as the class, reputation and sophistication as well as continuing education and emphasis they put on expanding your skills and knowledge. It is my dream career.

But not my dream job. My dream job has always been and will always be to be a stay at home mom. Not that I don't LOVE working in the salon and working with my wonderful clients, because I do--it is the best career I ever could have chosen, I have such a passion and love for it but I love being with my children more.

That being said, this week has started off really rough for me. Nothing has happened, just I put my baby girl to bed one night and got choked up at how old she has gotten while I wasn't looking. She is a walking, chatting, playing, laughing, loving toddler. I blinked. I blinked and my baby is gone. It is killing me. I don't know her as well as I should. I don't know her favorite food or her favorite book or her favorite toy.

I just.. arejgdsfsodf. I don't know..."


I wrote this unfinished post almost 3 weeks ago. And I am STILL struggling. I love doing hair but, while it is a talent and a passion of mine, nothing can compare to being a stay at home mom. And the truth is, I ache to be with them everyday that I am at work. And then I feel like crap when I get home, tired, and low on energy to play with them. But nothing is worse than when I put them to bed at night knowing that an entire day has gone by and I have barely given them 5 minutes of my time. The guilt that I feel is unmeasurable. I feel like such a failure. I want to be home with my kids, but right now, it just isn't an option for me or my family. And to make it even worse, we still aren't making ends meet. So here I am killing myself and hurting my family, and for what!? To ALMOST cover our expenses. a;skdfha;sdhfa'sdhf

I realize that I am just starting to build my clientele and that these things take time and patience and that lots of moms work and that I am only one of millions but I am still new to it and clearly struggling and just needing to vent. I need to go on record saying that I wish I were home with my family. I wish I played with them all day. I wish my daughter knew me better. I wish my home were a place of order. I wish I were superwoman, but I am just me. And I just need to try harder tomorrow. But tonight, tonight I am allowed to be down.