Focus on that which is Important

Alright. I know that it is bad for me to focus on such things; therefore, I wish to vent about them, get them out of my system, and try to move on.

How can you love someone you hate?
I need to find this answer.
I hate someone. I hate them for who they are, for what they've done, and that they won't go away. I hate who they interact with and I hate that those people try to interact with me still. I hate that this person pretends that they are a perfect, "law-abiding citizen". I hate that this person doesn't see why I can hate them and I hate that no time or distance has dissolved my hate. I hate that this person is vulgar and vindictive. But most of all, I hate that I hate this person.
Not that they don't deserve it. Gah. There I go again. It's not my place to judge this person. But how on earth is it their call to judge others? flkajsdl;fasdhga[h
We are commanded to love others. We are taught that those around us are our brothers and our sisters; that we are supposed to love everyone
Zechariah 8:17
And let none of you imagine evil in your hearts against his neighbour... for all these are things that I hate, saith the LORD.

or better yet,
Matthew 5:44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you


How is it that I am supposed to love this person?? How can i bless them when I know that they are cursing someone I love? How can I do good when all I want to do is remove them from any possible situation, forever. How am I to be expected to pray for them after all in which they have done and said against my family? I hate them. The only person in which I have ever hated and I have hated them for almost half of my life now. How can I let this go. How am I supposed to love them and forgive them for all in which they have inflicted upon me and those I love most?

I can pray for those who deal with this person. I can't even think too highly of those who know what this person is capable of, what they've done, and still can stand by them, and consider them "friend". laksldfaspdyg[a how dare you!?!

I'm so glad there is an entire country separating me and this person and anyone who would keep me invovled with them. I couldn't even tell you what I would do if I were to come into contact with this person. God only knows if I'd be able to go through with all in which encompasses my mind. But I will, one day, have to account for all of my malice thoughts. I will have to explain myself and try to defend myself. I will have to tell my heavenly fathers why I felt as though I would have no problem striking this person, this child of God, with my fist or even my vehicle. I have to get ahold of myself as well as my imagination. I have to not just control my anger, but find a way to get rid of it, and replace it with love. But I have just come around full circle, to how on earth am I supposed to find love for someone who has done so much to hurt me, my family, and our chances at what matters most. To defile such a sacred thing with vulgar accusations. To rip apart a family. To be so... revolting. AHG. I just don't know how I am supposed to do this. I don't know. And it kills me. I'm sorry, but I just.. don't know what to do.

family reunion

alright. so today, rachel and moshe get into town. They'll be here for almost a week! It'll be nice to get to spend time with the entire family ((with the exception of Benjamin who is in Lincoln, NE on his mission right now)) and be able to actually see how they all interact. The last time we were all together was the weekend of the wedding and so, needless to say I was a little preoccupied to take much notice.

I'm enjoying it out here in North Carolina. It's a new experience and i hate not knowing my way around.. but hopefully, with enough practice, I'll learn how to get from point A to point B.

OH! And tomorrow I have 2 interviews with some life insurance companies. And a phone interview. I am, however, a little skeptical as to whether or not these companies are legitimate.

I do miss my kiddies though. I love them soo..





love you guys!!!! (derek and janalee, you guys don't blog anymore so please keep sending me pictures of my boy,... please and thank you!!)

xoxoxo

Job Search.. right.

So we arrived in NC on thursday and began the job search on Friday. This consisted of me altering my resume and attempting to make it presentable. Also going online and signing up for a nanny agency. In addition to this, I also went onto craigslist and emailed a bunch of people. SO. How did all of that go, you may ask. Well, first--the resume--I'm still not pleased with it. It isn't what it should be and that is very frustrating to me. My husbands, on the other hand, looks amazing and I am very proud of him and what he has made. Second, the nanny agency. So far, no bites. Also incredibly discouraging. All the ones that fit my schedule and have offered my range of pay, email me back to say that they've already filled the position. And third, the craigslist efforts. ALL spam. Joy. Nothing to be trusted. Now it is time to go and apply at a temp agency and then go out and deliver resumes as well as collect applications. This part is just so infuriating to me and I hope it will all be over soon. I am putting a lot of effort into it and hope it will eventually pay off. WIsh me luck! ((and patience.))

howdy from down south

hey ya'll!! I'M IN NORTH CAROLINA!!! No seriously, it's true! ANNNNDDD-- I turned the big 2-0 just about 5 days ago. HA! Can you believe it?! So many big steps for such a small town girl.

So in case you're just tuning in (aka anyone who only relies upon reading my once-in-a-blue-moon-blogs) TK and I have officially relocated to the beautiful state of North Carolina. On our way we stopped in Omaha and Lincoln and Ogallala and Kansas City. Oh yes. Ogallala. On the way out East my poor car, Jezabell, bless her engine, had a bit of a mechanical breakdown. It was all too much for her. Her CVC joints busted and she had to go to the hospital for a couple of days. I broke down. My car, when she gives me trouble, tends to rack up QUITE the hospital bills. Its a rare occasion when the total comes to less than a thousand. Here I was, my poor husband holding me up, balling my eyes out, in the middle of Nebraska, on my way to a state i had only visited for 2 days, putting complete faith in the Lord and our "couple-hundred-dollars-shy-of-empty" bank account and we just couldn't catch a break. we'd already been through hail and high water with the tornado && flash flood warnings we'd encountered earlier that day ((count them 1.2.3.FOUR!!!!)) and i just wasn't sure if I had really been listening to the Lord. I feared I had only followed what I had wanted to hear. So we checked into a hotel and I continued to cry. Finally, I turned to TK and asked him to say a prayer. We knelt and prayed that all would be well. That I would not be overwhelmed with stress and fear, and that if this is what he wanted for us to be doing, that it would all work out accordingly. Well the car was towed, we went to bed, and in the morning we were in contact with the mechanic. They confirmed it was the CVC and that they would order the part. Well, we decided that instead of wasting our trip in Ogallala, we'd continue on to Omaha for the weekend and return monday for the car. Finally, when all was said and done, it ended up that some family friends of OUR family friends were vacationing at a lake next to the lovely town of Ogallala and were willing to bring our car back to us on monday. Although there were plenty of kinks in this plan that took time and effort to iron out, It all ended up working out perfectly and Jezabell was returned to me in wonderful condition. The Lord heard are prayers and lined up all the pieces for us, we just had to be patient and have faith.

But the trip to Omaha was amazing, full of swimming, visiting, and laughter. I had a wonderful time. It had been so long since I got to see everyone and TK fit in perfectly. It was so nice to see him laughing with all of my old friends. And then we got to go to KC and see Trent and Dayna!! Oh and watch GI Joe. Good movie. I thoroughly enjoyed. All in all. I got to have a wonderful birthday week!!

SO! Back to us moving all the way across the country. TK is venturing into some new territories with real estate and has just been appointed head of the "cyber" team in his Dad's company. TK's family has been wonderful to us. Grandma Ball is willing enough to let us stay in her spare bedroom until we can be bringing in some money and his parents have been here supporting us and helping us get into some jobs. Tom reviewed my resume and was able to bring forth many helpful suggestions as well as (as previously mentioned) give TK a job doing what he loves.

Now yes, I am from the midwest where humidity is an old friend. HOWEVER, these mosquitos that it invites. KSF:SHdfopdoaph;dklf;aosuehawne. someone find a cure for their existence PLEASE! I have about 29 of those dang skeeter bites and I am going CRAZY.

Now, back to the story. So I am currently looking for a job. I have signed up for care.com which is a wonderful site that puts families and nannys together. However, after a whole day, not so much luck. I am planning on going to Charlotte on Monday and doing the whole application collecting and resume delivering bit and if all else fails and after a week, nothing, then I will start going around to the restaurants and get myself a serving/hosting gig until something more stable might come along. Either way, we need to start making money, and soon.

Although, it is good for Grandma that we are there. See, last month she fell. Now for a woman with osteoporosis to fall, is no bueno. She broke her vertebrae and did something bad to her arm. Also, Grandpa died about 6 months ago and the alone time isn't all that good for her. So its nice for her to have someone there looking after her as well as bringing some excitement to the home. ((after all, you know how riveting that world of warcraft can be :P --love you honeyy!!))

SOOOOOO thats the deal thus far. My new resolution is to keep in touch better. With everyone. So hopefully more blogging, a few more phone calls, ect ect. SOO!! keep me posted on your lives as well and I hope everyone is doing well! I love you lots and expect to be hearing from me soon! ((if not, bug me about it, keep me in line))

not your normal sniffle.

im sitting at home. paralized. not literally, but whatever. i got sick throughout the course of the daay. my stomach was bothering me, i thought it ws lack of substantial food, so, to take it slow, i had a granola bar and an orange. i was then able to take a nap which was amazing. and then i woke up, went home, and decided to try a bowl of cereal. i believe that is where i went wrong. i still don't know what was wrong earlier. but i got weak and so decided to take a shower to see if it'd refresh me. well my shower was rudely interrupted when i had to throw up. i finished washing and thought id have to go again. after sitting in the bathroom for 10 minutes ((soaking wet mind you, which i HATE being.. ask my husband. i have to squeege myself off before even grabbing a towel to get out... anywho)) i decided i needed to get a large bowl and retreat into my bedroom. well, before i could even reach the bowl, vision went fuzzy. black dots began to quickly cover my sight. i hurryed and grabbed the bowl outta the cubbord and raced to the couch --- no. my apt is not large. this is just how quickly it all happened. after regaining my regular respiration and vision. i got up and went to the bedroom to lay down. not on my stomach or my side, because neither would provide any comfort. as i lay on my back. my left leg went numb. tingling and what not. now i am no doctor but this all can't be good. plus. i work the salon and fridays tomorrow. an extended shift at fridays, even, seeing as how its our busiest day of the year (graduation.. why? idk. but they say it is.) and with swine flu crap being conspired i can't even leave my house if i have ANY flu symptons... which i have like 4. grrr. this is so not good.

((and no, i don't thiiink it is swine flu, i wass just saying that since people are so paranoid, i have to bbe cautious--esp dealing with peoples food and cleaning their cancer beds)