The Sheppard Spy: My Strength

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

My Strength

Many years ago, I built a life size replica of the wall of china around myself. I distanced myself from those that could hurt me and those that cared for me were banished to the land surrounding my wall. They weren't allowed in. They couldn't see me bawl my eyes out. They didn't hear my yell and scream about my pain. I kept them out with my wall. I would even find myself angered that I had waited so long to build it. Frustrated at the possibility that I could have saved myself some pain had i built it earlier...

Over the years I took comfort in my wall. I became so comfortable with it that I forgot that it was even there. And through time, without my knowing it, that wall that kept everyone out, began to crumble. It wasn't unstable, it didn't just falter, no, I had built it too strong for that. However, because I had so much confidence in my wall, I neglected it, I trusted its power, and in that trust, my neglect led to it being torn down.

Brick by brick, by brick, my family slowly began to tear it down. When I met TK, that wall came down faster than a child in daycare with the flu in the middle of winter. But somehow, I still didn't notice. I was ignorant because every time I checked, I was still fully protected. With each brick that was taken away, my husband and family became the mortar and the bricks. Through time, my family became my wall. I didn't need any other protection, they weren't standing on the outside, I wasn't keeping them at bay, they were what kept me going, kept me safe, and kept me alive.

They healed me. Not that I was horribly damaged... But I was afraid to look. I was afraid, after anything horrible happened, to look and face the fact that there might be a scar. That I may not be at my best. But my family, they keep me at my best. They push me to excellence. They lift me to my highest. TK, Aiden, my parents, and siblings--my best friends. My family is my life, my source of all that keeps me going. I love them more than I could ever explain. More than I ever thought possible. My family is all that is good in this world. They are my rock, my foundation, my wall, and my soul. I love them.