Motherhood, the good, the bad, and the "OH MY GOSH SHE'S HIDEOUS!"... ahem, Ugly.

So, allow me to preface: Even on my WORST day ever, I wouldn't change it for anything.

That being said, today, is definitely, one of my worst....

(yes, I will be venting. a lot.)

The day began last night. I say this because I believe that your nights truly do dictate your days. And last night... arggg. I have been trying to stay up at night to spend more alone time with the hubs.. and it just isn't going well for me. First off, we're lazy. And we end up, sitting, while in the same room, doing different things and not spending any real time together. So I went to bed late and in a huff about something or other.

The morning came WAYYY too early. I first heard Eva making noise, and then as I became conscious of my surroundings, I found that the REASON she woke up was due to the deaf woman downstairs attempting some angry communication at someone in her apartment--I assume one of her sons. And the only way in which I can even come close to describing the noises she uses to try and yell at her children without vocalizing it, is some sort of "hoot". You know, like an owl? But its loud. She may as well be in the same room as us. LOUD. Ok, so this is like at 4am. Now I don't know why in the heck they are up this early, but they are. Like, everyday. And she usually wakes one of us up, at some point, in the o'dark-thirty hour... But today... oh today... she first woke us up around 4:30. So I plugged Eva back in with her pacifier and got her back to sleep and fell back to sleep myself, just to have it happen again at about 5:15... this vicious cycle continued with us being woken at 5:45, 6:20, and finally 6:55 when I just gave up and had to feed Eva.

CUE SNAP #1

Mind you, we KNOW we have loud neighbors. They are ALWAYS loud. The ones upstairs have parents that are never home and like 5 daughters who run up and down the stairs, stomp around, move furniture constantly and host neighborhood block parties with all their friends running up and down CONSTANTLY. They shout out the windows to people over at the park, they blare their music, they are plain INCONSIDERATE. The people below us, 3 boys. They throw tantrums and scream high pitched bloody murder level stuff. They slam doors and when that doesn't get their DEAF mother's attention, the kick and kick and kick said doors and walls. Causing our closed doors to rattle. Doors that are closed for the soul purpose of keeping our sleeping children just that, ASLEEP! So yes, we know this. So we use white noise machines in ALL of our bedrooms. You know they are loud when even the loudest settings of said NOISE-CANCELLING-MACHINES can't keep an exhausted child asleep!!!

So I am fuming internally. And Aiden woke up around 7:15. Early, but not ridiculous for him. He proceded to say good morning to us and then went straight to his computer--something that I was really grateful for this morning.

So since she had a horrible morning, I only kept her up until 8 when I laid her down for a nap. Her eyes were so heavy and even watery--she was clearly exhausted. I had (WARNING: ABOUT TO GET A LITTLE PERSONAL) just enough time to wash my pump, pump, and then put away the milk before she was up again. WHAT?!?!?! Her morning naps are usually 3 hours. THE CRAP, GIRL!?

So 9am. She is up. I'm tired, and keep smelling something funky coming from our kitchen sink. So my mood is rapidly declining. I put her in her swing. It only works for about ten minutes. I try to lay her down in the living room surrounded by toys. Doesn't even work for 5 minutes. I'm trying to unload the dishwasher, sweep the kitchen, and clean out my sink. I ask Aiden to get off the computer now and go play with his sister. He gets up, but leaves the computer on whatever video he had pulled up at the time. I ask him again to turn it off. No luck. "Seriously Aiden, its time for the computer to go off." He looks at it and goes back to the living room without turning it off. Whatever, I'll go turn it off. So I do, HISSY FIT ENSUES. REALLY?!

CUE SNAP #2. TIMEOUT! No child should cry just because a computer, THAT IS IN THE OTHER ROOM was turned off!!!! And what horrible parent am I that I allowed him to get so attached to this horrible shining screen!!! askdhf[ aipeyupt vetv;ieh'a ahem. yes. so he's in his room.

I give up, and decide to feed Eva. Aiden finally comes over and asks for oatmeal over and over. So I break from feeding her HER oatmeal to get his ready while she fusses (EVEN THOUGH SHE REALLY SHOULDN'T BE HUNGRY OR EVEN UP FOR HOURS)... So I make his oatmeal which he takes one look at and pushes it away.

CUE SNAP #3!

I shove a bite in his mouth and send him off to his room. . . . where he cries.

I come back and feed Eva. I hear him coming in and out of his room, but I don't care. He'd sneak (not that he needed to sneak; so long as he was done crying, I really didn't care if he came out) out and look at us and as soon as I'd shift at all, I'd hear him run back to his room. So I finished feeding her and decided to go lay her back down in her room to play in her crib. I got her a ton of toys and closed the door for a Mommy-time-out.

I came back to the front room and turned on some music and proceeded to clean some more. After singing and dancing to one song, and feeling better, I went back to check on Aiden who was still peekabooing in and out of his room. He giggled when he saw me and came out to "Aiden take big bite?" "yeah, bud!! Come and eat, good job!" So he went to eat and kept taking the eentsiest bites. So I eventually went over and said, "Ok, time for a big bite bud." Loaded his spoon and gave it to him. I went to change songs and heard him gagging, he then proceeded to throw up.

MENTAL SNAP. --you know the kind. when your entire body stiffens to the point where even if you did scream it would just be dead silent air slipping out of your mouth.

So I screamed inside my head... got it together and then calmly... ish... said "ok! Bath time!" I took him to the bath and put him in. Came out and threw his bowl of oatmeal into the sink. He LOVES oatmeal. I don't know why he wasn't having it this morning. Its a flavor he's had before and liked but hasn't had in a while so idk, apparently it is now revolting and I am the worst mother in the world. yeah.

So since he's bathing, Eva needs a bath too. I go and get her from her playing (which she's gotten tired of anyway and had started whining.) So they bathe. I sit on next to them, trying so hard to enjoy how they are playing so well together, and just... am tired. I'm going over and over the letter that I want to write, but know I never will, to the deaf woman downstairs. I want to yell, and show her how angry I am that she can't control her voice but at the same time, I know it probably pisses her off, too, that she can't. The last thing I want is to rub her handicap in her face when she prob hates it far more than I do.

When Eva is done with soaking, I take her out first, towel her off and lotion her down. Put jammies on her and feed her a bottle. (yes, my baby eats more than anyone ever should. deal.) So she's done eating, she's bathed, she hasn't gotten any good sleep this morning, so I lay her down, and yupp. Crying.

So I give her the pacifier and leave anyway. When I come out, I don't smell the nasty, so apparently, I've gotten rid of whatever it was... But the house is still messy. There are loads of laundry needing to be done... far more needing to be folded... apparently the trash needs to be taken out... and all I can think of is getting on craigslist and finding a house to rent. So I do. I get on, put in our requirements... and oh yeah... we're poor. Like, couldn't even lend you $5 poor. So our super cheap apartment, with all these inconsiderate blow horns is the only place we can afford on our student-loan fed income.

So now I'm mad at myself. Maybe I shouldn't be a stay at home mom. I clearly suck at it. I'm loosing my mind when my kids really aren't being bad at all. I should have taken my boards ten months ago and gotten a job 3 months ago (after the appropriate maternity leave time period) and should have a steady income so that we could afford to move when our lease is up in March.

I should not hate a woman for being deaf. Not that that is the reason I hate her... but the reason I hate her... (and I know, hate is a strong word, and I don't REALLY hate her.... but I'm venting, remember).... is because she is LOUD and the reason for THAT is because she doesn't know any better because she is, in fact, deaf. So yeah.

I shouldn't snap at my children. They love me. Unconditionally. They love me more than I love them. Its true. And not because I am a bad mom, no, I think that EVERY child loves their parents more than their parents love them. I don't think this stays the case, but when their this young, yes. They love TRULY unconditionally. No matter what you do, what you say, how you treat them, they love you more than ANYTHING. And they prove it with their ever so humbling way to forgive. They forgive EVERYTHING, and immediately forget it. They Love us more. The end.

I shouldn't hate myself. It does no one any good. Self loathing is worthless. There are better ways to reassess one's life and make changes that are positive. This isn't that. This is me, whining, wanting so bad to find a corner to cry in. But not being able to cry. Physically, incapable of it. Cold fish robot syndrome. I discovered it, so I get to name it, again, deal.

So Eva has finally fallen asleep. After her crying and me ignoring her for 10 minutes or so. She's out. But my ignoring her included my ignoring Aiden, who is now, back on his computer while I take some me time just to vent out this stupid post.

Yes, I fail as a mother.

But I love these kids. They are adorable. And even on my worst of days, when I want to cry, I can't because I think of why I want to cry and then think myself insane because who could cry when they are so blessed?! I have a roof to shelter me from storms. I have heating to keep us warm through this "winter". (Yes, it was in the 70's this weekend and yes, that was a shameless plug for me to remind my family that they should live here, and not in Idaho and Utah.) I have two beautiful, healthy, loving children who love me right back even more than I could ever ask for. I have one more semester of classes left before I am done with school and hopefully, that will motivate me to take my boards and get a job. I have friends and family who listen when I need to vent no matter how pointless it all really is.

I am blessed. I am blessed. I am blessed. I am blessed..... sorry, I guess I could just keep repeating this to myself instead of typing it out...

"I am blessed.... I......"