Monday, February 14, 2011


One of my biggest fears is that I will eventually develop early-onset Alzheimer's.

It is a fear that has haunted me for quite some time now. Ever since I got married. I mean. My memory has been crappy. Really crappy. I forget so much and each day it gets worse. But it has never worried me until I got married. No... wait. That's a lie. Before that... but it seemed to scare me so much more after I got married. Because then, it'd hurt TK too. I mean, if it were to happen... i'd be gone. It wouldn't really effect me. Not nearly as much as those close to me.

My memory seems to get worse. It seems to have gotten worse daily ever since the accident. Who knows. Maybe that's just an excuse. Maybe its just something I conjured up in my head.. but it makes sense. I recieved a head injury in the accident. I don't remember the accident. I don't remember the day or the first few days that I spent in the hospital. I don't remember anyone telling me my diagnosis... ? Or whatever the term is for the damage that was done to me. So I don't even know if it is possible that my crappy memory and it are related.

But regardless. I hate that memories of my childhood are so hard to recall. I hate the thought of loosing the memories that I DO have. I hate the thought of my family and especially TK and Aiden having to deal with me and watch as I basically deteriorate mentally and physically. Ahg. I'd hate myself for it. (If I had any idea that it was happening)

Its a disease in which the causes are unknown and the prevention hasn't been determined. It just comes to who it comes to and there's nothing you can do about it.

Plus, the average life expectancy for those with AD is four to six years after the date of diagnosis. And if its early-onset it means BEFORE age 65. I couldn't imagine leaving so early in life. I just don't wanna!! And I don't want to leave all that I love behind me!

So yes. This is one of, if not my BIGGEST fear.

Peace, Love, and CookieDough

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